![]() ![]() If we want to be listened to, we have to learn to talk respectfully to each other." Aim for greater respect. But how we expressed that annoyance really mattered. ![]() We learned that it was okay to be annoyed or even angry. ![]() "What saved our marriage was learning how to express our frustrations with the other in a respectful way. Gottman calls it "throwing acid on love."Ĭontempt is the one behavior only found in distressed marriages, and changing that behavior is the go-to treatment option when helping couples.Ĭouples attending our intensive couples retreat often say: No one deserves to be verbally abused.Īttacking a person, putting the "problem" in them, insulting their family, or calling them "crazy" or mentally ill is all called "contempt" in science-based couples therapy. Name-calling or insulting someone's behavior is unacceptable for anyone, whether it is the wife calling her husband names or a husband insulting his wife. Will you please phrase what you're saying in a way that doesn't insult me?" How damaging is name-calling in a relationship? I think calling me names is abusive, and I've asked you nicely to stop. Wife: " I want to listen to you, but when you use insulting words, I just get upset and stop being able to hear you. Husband: "If you don't want me to call you an idiot, stop saying idiotic things!" Focus on the harmful impact that the words have on you, and ask for a behavior change. I'm asking you to put it in another way."ģ. I'm saying that calling me names is contemptuous and hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings when you say it that way. Husband: "That's a really idiotic thing to say!" Tell him how the words made you feel, and ask for it to be re-phrased. Label the statement as hurtful using "I" statements.ĭon't debate the truth or inaccuracy of the statement. It's one of the things we teach couples to stop doing in marriage counseling.Ģ. When someone's actions are criticized, that is an alternative way to name-call. There are ways to ask someone to change their behavior without insulting that very behavior. While the first sentence focuses on your personality or insults your intelligence ("stupid"), the second one is often not thought of as abusive to mental health. ![]() "You are so stupid!" or "You do such stupid things!" These sentences usually start with "You," as in: If your spouse can point a finger at you when he's talking, it falls into this category. It sometimes takes reflection to realize that the eye-roll, the insinuating questioning, or the comment followed by "I was only kidding!" is verbal abuse. Recognize that you are being insulted, criticized, or treated contemptuously. There are three steps to take when you are being called names:ġ. What to do when your husband calls you stupid (or other names) Acceptance of vulnerability and weakness in your spouse (and in yourself) is a hallmark of a loving marriage.īut regardless of why your husband insults you, the behavior needs to stop. In healthy relationships, partners feel good about themselves and speak well of each other. Sometimes the long-term deterioration results in physical abuse as well as feeling bad. Still, other men are chronically exhausted and irritable, causing them to ignite into a litany of curse words at the slightest provocation. Resorting to name-calling is an emotionally damaging form of verbal abuse. Some argue this abusive behavior is "affectionate banter." It's not. Other men have a job where insults and abrasive language are the norms. In some relationships, husbands have learned to show a lack of respect toward others from their family of origin. Sneers, eye rolls, and a mocking tone all communicate just as powerfully as words. Whether you are being insulted or called names or your partner swears at you, emotional abuse includes not only the words that are used but the facial expressions as well. You should never tolerate verbal abuse in a relationship from any family member. In a toxic relationship, the words you call your partner often gradually turn from sweet-sounding (but condescending) nicknames ("my little airhead.") to swear words and constant criticism over time. Verbal abuse is one of many types of abuse in relationships. How damaging is name-calling in a relationship? ![]()
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